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I agreed to meet ex-roommate from college for lunch today.

she’s 20 minutes late. no surprise there.

first thing she says as we’re walking away from the parking meter: “so, am I one of those friends you restrict the time to see because you don’t actually want to spend the time?” okay, I’m a bit taken aback, but whatever, I take it in stride. “actually it’s really hard for me to get back home at nights, so if I go anywhere but south, I have to find a way to get home.”  try to explain this further, but get blown off.

she mentions her next vehicle will probably be a mini-van. I laugh and say “yeahhh, you can totally be a soccer mom, it’s fine.”  she glares at me and goes, “don’t tell me what’s fine.”

we get inside. she goes, “by the way, I’m 12 weeks pregnant.”  cool.  (so not going to tell you I’m engaged today.)  moments later: “so, not that I’m going to judge you or proselytize to you, but…where are you on the whole god thing?”

which of course leads to my best fumbling attempt at explaining that while I can get behind the idea that there’s a spiritual aspect to life, who the hell knows what that really looks like and if we’re ever know, so I prefer to live by the ideology of loving people and see what comes of that.  she rolls her eyes.  we’re quickly talking about her gynecologist, because what else would we talk about?

she asks how my “boy toy” is doing. I swallow my nasty remarks and politely say that Jake is doing wonderfully, thanks.

as we’re leaving, she asks why I haven’t come out for dinner.  I explain once more that, well, it’s an hour and a half minimum home from work if I leave from the south end of the city, so if I add any time by going north it’s just ridiculous. she demands to know why I haven’t just brought Jake with me. and here’s where it gets really sticky. because I know for a fact, from having known her for so long, that when she met Jake she really didn’t like him. (he didn’t like her either, for the record, it’s a mutual thing.) so why the fuck is she asking to have him over? so I’m about as honest then as I am the whole time: “because you aren’t really gonna get along." this makes her incredibly indignant.

at the end of it all I’m just like, fine, some time we’ll come out there. and y’know, even if Jake doesn’t want to go, I’ll follow through on it, and I will be as me as humanly possible. and then we’ll see if she ever invites me back, because goddamn, she sure doesn’t seem to like even tame me.

fuck.

why do I waste my time.

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today

  • my parents find out just how serious I am about Jake
  • I want everyone I know to understand precisely how much I don’t give a fuck what your sexual preferences or fetishes are
  • I feel relatively normal for the first time in a couple of weeks, and hot damn is it nice
  • the possibilities are endless

totally nervous about that first one…but also glad I get to finally be open about the most amazing choice I’ve ever made.

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it’s been turmoil and hell lately in my head, which I’ve been fighting because the rational part of me hasn’t been unhappy. but, between being lonely out in the sticks, feeling like I haven’t accomplished a significant project in months, and running into those questions that inevitably those who fall into the category of “adult,” “ex-religious” and/or “philosophically inclined” encounter (especially at this age, I hear), I’ve had my share of troubling thoughts as of late. no big deal, usually, these things come and go in cycles and I handle them well enough under normal circumstances.

but everything got worse. no matter that I have the perfect man for me, who has constantly been reassuring me in every way he can. no matter that I’m not really discontent with my accomplishments, and have actually learned to manage my own expectations much better than previous years. and no matter that I want to be happy and have been.

turns out, though, there’s been a pretty simple explanation for much of it all along.

without meaning to, I’ve started under-eating. not obsessively, but almost naturally. my portion sizes shrank and I started skipping meals, especially breakfast and sometimes even lunch as well. when I was emotionally compromised, I would double my unintentional efforts not to consume anything (because apparently instead of comfort eating I comfort don’t-eat). plus I’ve been consistently doing my yoga, 20-30 minutes a day at least four times per week, get it on nightly barring complications, and still walk quite a bit when I run errands in the city.

my eyes were opened to the difference when, after 5 straight years of hovering right between 120-130 pounds, I stepped on the scale and weighed 110. there’s no way I lost that from yoga, although I’m sure the *ahem* other exercise-like activities have assisted, but yeah. it was scary. I don’t look skeletal by any means, but I’m definitely not carrying any extra weight anymore.  it’s a weight I’d like to maintain, sure, but in a healthy way.

so today I decided to look up under-eating, just to see what side effects it might be having on me. (source)

  • depression
  • panic
  • withdrawal/turning inward
  • loss of sex drive
  • irrational thinking

BIN-GO.

I’ve felt depressed, despite being happy. I’ve panicked about stupid shit that is taken care of, out of my control, or completely irrelevant. I was lost in my head for a good four days straight, despite fighting to turn outward again. I haven’t been particularly interested in the usual sexytime activities (doesn’t help that I’ve had two periods this month either). I’ve upped my tendency to “plan for the worst,” i.e. be a fatalist and imagine the worst possible outcomes for scenarios that haven’t even proven to exist.

so: a lack of calories, a lack of nutrients, and my body and mind are way out of whack.

it’s time to get this train back on track. though I don’t want to swing too hard the other direction and start fattening up, I need to maintain a healthy caloric intake. I’m thinking my goal is somewhere between 1200-1400, considering my generally sedentary lifestyle and the fact that we’re coming up on winter i.e. don’t-go-anywhere-and-play-tons-of-video-games.

the end. feeling better already.

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The Five Steps to a Healthier August


everythingtalkswhenyoulisten:

brittathinksyoureedible:

once upon a time, I decided it was time to make Good Habits™, because I am 22 and if I don’t start now, I’ll never actually do it.

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WOOOOO just looked through my entire Tumblr feed to find this again.

so, how am I doing?

1. Drink More Water. oooops. not so much. I’ve been better at staying hydrated than I used to be, but I’m definitely not in the 64 oz-per-day range at all. Solution: start using my water bottle again. it needs another rinse-out before I feel safe doing so, but that’s easy. SO: four of those per day. that’s doable.

2. Do Physical Shit. since I moved, I’ve been slacking on this, but prior to the last two weeks I was doing very well on this. I was running at least once or twice a week and doing 20-30 minutes of yoga at least twice if not three times per week. and I was feeling great! now that my entire home office is a bed, I really need to stay on this.Solution: find some easy lunchtime workouts to supplement what I do at home, in case I can’t get to my exercise every day I’d like to.

3. Eat More Fruit. infinitely better! Jake’s mom is fantastic about making me take fruit to work every day, and it’s always available for a snack, so I’m getting in at least one piece of fruit every day.

4. Portion Control. not terrible, but not fantastic. if we eat out, I usually end up with some leftovers to take home, so I guess my stomach is controlling me in that sense…but then I end up eating it later. and I snack a lot. I could try to justify to myself that I’m doing that six small meals deal, but really that’s a lie. Solution: don’t always eat when Jake does, and try to choose healthy or “tide me over” snacks when I do feel hungry.

5. Multivamins. damn, I’ve completely neglected this one. the sad thing is that I remember them every time I’m getting ready, and then I think, “nahhh, ew, don’t want to do that,” and then I forget. Solution: take multivitamins to work with me so I have no excuse.

Overall: I’m taking a little better care of myself, but I want to be a lot further along than I am. I’ll be tackling a couple of these over the next few months, and I’ll check back in then. *salute*

it’s been about seven months since I last checked in on this! I’m kind of excited because I’ve actually made a ton of progress.

1. Drink More Water.  I finally discovered the secret to getting me to drink inordinate amounts of water (i.e. close to the 64 oz that is recommended): a straw.  Jake gave me his GIANT Starbucks resuable cup and I’ve loved it. for some reason, when I can set a straw in the corner of my mouth and just kind of sit there with the cup, I sip frequently and end up going through two to three (and sometimes four) of these 20-oz cups a day.

2. Do Physical Shit. YES! this has been my biggest triumph. I’ve consistently been doing yoga for 20-30 minutes at least four times per week, sometimes more, and I’m so proud of myself for improving my flexibility tenfold. I’m also, uh, doing cardio once or twice a day (wink wink), and have a modest six-pack to show for it. and I lost weight. like…a significant amount of weight. I’m toeing the line of healthy, even. which is fine, because it’s fall now, aka time to sit around and eat too much like a hibernatin’ bear!

3. Eat More Fruit.  I lost my touch on this one a little, mostly because I’m lazy. last week, though, I found the ceramic knife my mom gave me for Christmas, so I think I’ll bring it to work with me and use it to cut up the amazing apples we’re about to be flooded with.

4. Portion Control.  nailed it! I’m finally at the point where, except perhaps for dinner, I eat a modest portion and am more than satisfied. sometimes I still get late-night cravings, but I tend to satisfy those with something healthier, like peanut butter crackers or sliced fruit and cottage cheese.

5. Multivitamins. still not doing this one so well. those horse-sized pills are just gross. now that I’m so lightweight, though, and am eating so much less, I need to be mindful of not missing out on my vitamins.

Overall: I’m feeling SO healthy and fit right now. I do need to be mindful of my vitamin intake, but I haven’t felt this great since high school. =D

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dear me,

today you thought about some things, and you came to a few conclusions about how to change for the better. so instead of dwelling on what you weren’t in the past, let’s just skip all that bullshit and move right along to the contentedly journeying into better futurehood. okay? okay.

also, no one else knows what they’re doing, or who they are, or what they want, and that’s like 98% of the fun so shut your face.

your man loves you, your friends seem to think you’re pretty cool, and you don’t hate what you create. so what is there to lose?

nudge nudge. time to go. make it happen.

love (yes, you sap, deal),

me

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once upon a time I used to be a staunch supporter of gun control for many reasons, not the least of which was that I could never ever shoot someone

but now that I love someone so fiercely I’d do any goddamn thing for him? you best believe if you lay a fucking finger on him there will be chaos

(also other reasons, constitutional ones, so there)

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I think I’ve stared at this screen for almost five minutes now with little comprehension of why I had opened a new text post in the first place

fuck you sickness

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on Saturday we’re doing a really awesome shoot for a friend who goes to the Art Institute, and basically it’s a 30-second fashion ad shot in the woods, but we’ve had no shortage of trouble finding a model

finally we did and she’s super cute but… more than a little flaky. basically hasn’t contacted us since last weekend and no one else has been available (yay NYFW)

we went location scouting last night (super fun hike and all that) and I was being the stand-in for the storyboard shots, and at one point Jake turns to me and goes “so you know what happens if [the model] doesn’t show up, right”

and Nocky (the girl we’re helping) starts nodding and pointing out exactly how I would be great carrying a purse and wearing heels and strutting through the woods like I don’t give a fuck

so I’m slightly terrified

ulp

I can’t walk in heels guys I’m gonna break my goddamn ankles

start begging the universe this gal shows up ahahaha

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this was a glorious Sunday.

besides all the normal wake-up-when-we-wanna-then-watch-shows-and-play-Skyrim-or-L4D-before-we-move goodness, we then moseyed on over to Kirkland/Redmond, had some delicious sushi, then went wandering until we came upon the most glorious little British imports shop (called British Pantry). SERIOUSLY. coolest place ever. I’m gonna knock the fuck out of Christmas there this year. there’s a set of gorgeous measuring spoons…STOP STOP. okay. after I bought myself some authentic Earl Grey for work, and we dined on pasties and things that are British and DELICIOUS, we hit up the thrift store, where Jake insisted I do my fall/winter shopping.  SUCCESS.  five pairs of jeans, the CUTEST red leather jacket, leggings, two sweaters, some cat ears (tee hee), another awesome army green jacket, and some yellow pants that could have come straight out of Gangnam Style. I’m so pleased to wear everything.

then we went to Starbucks for my sister’s coming-home surprise party. she just got back from boot camp so, y’know, everyone was there. including some old friends of the family I hadn’t seen in yeeeears. for the first time, I was not only self-exiled to the adults’ side of the room, I actually had them engaging with me like I was one of them. WAT. still reeling over that. anyway it was so amazing to see my sister. she’s grown up so much and while there’s a whole crapload of stuff I don’t know how to handle about the military, it’s done some amazing things. including making her enthusiastically love Jake. which…is a bit of a switch, and pretty much made my night. it was great to see my family in general, which is new, and everyone seemed pleased to see everyone.

in short: if this is how life works now, I’m pretty fucking lucky. especially to have a man who I trust so much that I’ve been able to step away from the safety blanket that my family used to be and actually love them for who they are, away from their occasional wish that they could spell out my life for me.

so: YAY.

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me: so can we make pudding and go eat it on the dock while we starwatch tonight?
Jake: yeah!!!!!
me: best. life. EVAR.