when I forget why I’m doing this job, I just remember:
the ultimate goal is to find something satisfying and freeing.
I believe that’s writing.
but in the meantime, I’ve got a standard of living to work my ass off for.
to the next person who asks me if I’m eating enough: I will knock you out, and then I will eat my three slices of pizza off your immobile body. like a plate.
why the fuck did no one tell me up front you can’t get a car loan without a driver’s license and why the FUCK is everyone refusing to take my money
I’m not even going to drive the damn thing I’m going to fucking sit in the passenger’s seat it’s not like you have to insure me or anything
I just want to give you $300 a month is that too much to ask?!
FUUUUUCKKKKK
reasons why life is pretty cool right now:
- just bought a Mercedes with under 25k miles on it
- stopped in to have a “move up the ladder” chat with the boss and received a very warm response
- hitting NaNo’s halfway point today
- was able to buy my mom a Kindle for her birthday
- Jake
- Jake
- Jake
- did I mention Jake?
the server farm is dead, long live the server farm
trying to figure out how the hell we’re going to afford transportation.
the Saturn is a wonderful little thing, but worth about half of the repairs we’ve paid this year already. and due another major repair soon. so it might be time to think about another car.
but even with car loans (BECU ftw), the cost is so fucking high. anything we get that’s worthwhile (i.e. not a $1k clunker we’ll have to repair again in a month) is going to up our insurance like crazy.
*flail*
adulthood. it can suck.
words stick in my brain so weirdly. I just played “benzoate” on Letterpress (WAY fun game for iPhone/iPad btw and if you play you should match with me!) without remembering what it was.
I can’t quantify how frequently I take a brief step back from my existence and marvel at how awesome it is to be so fucking happy to have my other half.
“do this for you.”
it’s an incredibly frustrating phrase for a submissive personality to hear. but at the end of the day, it’s the most selfless, abiding, loving request ever made of me.
it means I’m responsible for my own happiness, and though that’s a responsibility few might want, it’s a damn sight better than being dependent on the ever-changing moods of the volatile creature known as “human” who is outside of myself and my control.
it means on the days when everything hurts, I have not only my pride and my accomplishments to hang on to, but also the unconditional love of someone who has every opportunity to ask me to do what he says (and instead has promised to love me anyway and asks only that I be myself).
it means I don’t just bring to the table my reactions to what is in front of me (causing negative situations to double), but my actions and my inner strength that comes from knowing that I can do what I set my mind to, that I can always impress someone (even if it’s just myself), that I could take care of myself if I had to.
so right now, I’m just taking joy from the fact that I don’t. 🙂
one of my greatest weaknesses has always been my tendency to see everything in absolutes.
something is good or something is bad. something is 100% going to happen or 100% not going to happen. I either like and participate in something or I don’t, ever.
do you know what this is called? very, dangerously inaccurate.
it used to be so convenient. it made my life as a doormat far too easy. I would get a piece of information that caused me to reevaluate something in my life, and then with great determination and energy I would change course in a very absolute way. for instance, when I stopped adhering to Christianity, I did so often by completely discounting anything that I considered “Christian,” even if those were things that I could acknowledge were valid ways of living.
this has caused a number of destructive situations in my life, which I have brought almost fully upon myself and often spin up into with a weird sort of glee, because it’s helpful for abdicating responsibility.
thank fucking god I have someone stubborn and loving enough to remind me that the world isn’t black and white, that not everything (and few things at all, really) have a moral absolute, and that many things have no moral requirement at all. “just…enjoy what’s right in the moment,” Jake told me last night.
it took me a long time to fall asleep, because I kept thinking about how, try as I might, I can’t make moments happen, and I certainly can’t make them happen a specific way. I can influence how I approach a situation, yes, but ultimately I am responsible for my behavior and choices and don’t get to place the blame for any unhappiness I encounter on the “fact” that, well, I don’t participate in X because it’s wrong, or, well, I only said X because I thought it was right.
nope. nope nope nope. especially not when this behavior drags down the biggest-hearted, most supportive and loving man I’ve ever met. I want to take moments as they come – scoop them up and roll around in them and revel in them with the solid warmth of my other half behind me.