it’s been turmoil and hell lately in my head, which I’ve been fighting because the rational part of me hasn’t been unhappy. but, between being lonely out in the sticks, feeling like I haven’t accomplished a significant project in months, and running into those questions that inevitably those who fall into the category of “adult,” “ex-religious” and/or “philosophically inclined” encounter (especially at this age, I hear), I’ve had my share of troubling thoughts as of late. no big deal, usually, these things come and go in cycles and I handle them well enough under normal circumstances.
but everything got worse. no matter that I have the perfect man for me, who has constantly been reassuring me in every way he can. no matter that I’m not really discontent with my accomplishments, and have actually learned to manage my own expectations much better than previous years. and no matter that I want to be happy and have been.
turns out, though, there’s been a pretty simple explanation for much of it all along.
without meaning to, I’ve started under-eating. not obsessively, but almost naturally. my portion sizes shrank and I started skipping meals, especially breakfast and sometimes even lunch as well. when I was emotionally compromised, I would double my unintentional efforts not to consume anything (because apparently instead of comfort eating I comfort don’t-eat). plus I’ve been consistently doing my yoga, 20-30 minutes a day at least four times per week, get it on nightly barring complications, and still walk quite a bit when I run errands in the city.
my eyes were opened to the difference when, after 5 straight years of hovering right between 120-130 pounds, I stepped on the scale and weighed 110. there’s no way I lost that from yoga, although I’m sure the *ahem* other exercise-like activities have assisted, but yeah. it was scary. I don’t look skeletal by any means, but I’m definitely not carrying any extra weight anymore. it’s a weight I’d like to maintain, sure, but in a healthy way.
so today I decided to look up under-eating, just to see what side effects it might be having on me. (source)
- depression
- panic
- withdrawal/turning inward
- loss of sex drive
- irrational thinking
BIN-GO.
I’ve felt depressed, despite being happy. I’ve panicked about stupid shit that is taken care of, out of my control, or completely irrelevant. I was lost in my head for a good four days straight, despite fighting to turn outward again. I haven’t been particularly interested in the usual sexytime activities (doesn’t help that I’ve had two periods this month either). I’ve upped my tendency to “plan for the worst,” i.e. be a fatalist and imagine the worst possible outcomes for scenarios that haven’t even proven to exist.
so: a lack of calories, a lack of nutrients, and my body and mind are way out of whack.
it’s time to get this train back on track. though I don’t want to swing too hard the other direction and start fattening up, I need to maintain a healthy caloric intake. I’m thinking my goal is somewhere between 1200-1400, considering my generally sedentary lifestyle and the fact that we’re coming up on winter i.e. don’t-go-anywhere-and-play-tons-of-video-games.
the end. feeling better already.