for someone who overthinks everything, I sure do it quickly.
look, it’s….. been a day, okay
when you thought you were ok??? but nope????
I get uncomfortable sometimes recounting to my current friends the things that my so-called “friends” in college said to me and about me (to my face). ultimately it was not the kind of situation I couldn’t remove myself from (and I did), but as someone who grew up sheltered and believing the people around me automatically had my best interests at heart, I didn’t realize the impact of said people calling me names, telling me I wasn’t “right,” that I was clumsy and ugly and weird, and then saying “I love you” in the same breath. it was the kind of cruelty that wears you down so slowly you don’t realize it’s happening until you register that you don’t really like yourself anymore, because you only see yourself through those jabs.
anyway I’m getting a lot better about most of it but sometimes when I tell my current friends about it and they get outraged at these past people I’m like… oh. this still…affects me… sometimes…
tbh I’ve looked into Buddhist mythology several times in my life and I’m always like…… huh. HUH. hUH.
I just re-read something I wrote about two months ago that perfectly captured a moment that happened to me and someone yesterday and it was really resonant and I guess that’s what my coworker meant when he came in to my office the other day and called me a fortune teller.
I am like. salty to a legendary degree. taking advantage of my friends is UNACCEPTABLE even and especially when you only understand fragments of the abusive relationship this person just got out of. so. yeah. that.
backing off the cold brew this week cause as damn delish as our iced coffee is, sick!August+caffeine=anxiety
dear Ray,
I haven’t yet quit my day job to pursue the written word, but I’m starting small: twelve short stories this year. I once did twenty-five; this should be no Herculean task. I’ve gotten three others to commit to this as well, and three more still to pitch in on occasion. hopefully, more than fifty horrible story children will be born in your honor this year. this is all because of Zen and you know it. looking forward to that drink I owe you in whatever circle of Heavell is reserved for writers and their unforgivable creations.
sincerely,
August
going easy on myself today, panic attack last night. caught it about five minutes in. Jake played Wolf Among Us so I could just lay against him for an hour and regulate my breathing while I was distracted. thank god I didn’t get these before he was in my life.