A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.this fucks me up every single time
I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.
After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.
She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.
Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.
The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.
Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.
I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.
love is the one who ravages you, rolls over with huge adorable eyes, and begs you for cookies.
I am in love with and wildly attracted to a man, and it is the best relationship I will ever have. the only other relationship I would ever want to really explore (and this is true for him too) is a deep same-sex friendship that (more than) occasionally got physical.
emotional intimacy with the same sex that manifests itself in intense physical desire at times is…really really attractive to me. it wouldn’t even matter if she had someone else (in fact, it would probably be for the best) – we’d fill a special role in each other’s life, one that no other partner involved would be threatened by.
mmph.
making a mix for First Run. need songs re: space, flying, loneliness/emptiness, complicated relationships, naivety, budding sexuality. your favorites?
A foray into non-fiction
I’m taking a bit of a break from A God Grown Old (although I finished taking out the bracketed questions/missing information and sent it to my siblings, since they wanted to be early readers) and working on some non-fiction options. it’s partially because I appreciate the structure that writing creative non-fiction affords when what I want to write but don’t really want to have to think, and partially because I think that between Jake’s cookbook (Taco Tome) and my Awesome Partner Skills, we could make some decent passive income without breaking too much of a creative sweat. they’re both topics we’re interested in and good at talking about, so we’ll help each other write and create.
I’m really excited about this book. I’ve always wanted to write about relationships, but never wanted to pen a non-fiction book unless I felt it was genuinely practical (like writing exercises or ways to organize your life). this is both!
“do this for you.”
it’s an incredibly frustrating phrase for a submissive personality to hear. but at the end of the day, it’s the most selfless, abiding, loving request ever made of me.
it means I’m responsible for my own happiness, and though that’s a responsibility few might want, it’s a damn sight better than being dependent on the ever-changing moods of the volatile creature known as “human” who is outside of myself and my control.
it means on the days when everything hurts, I have not only my pride and my accomplishments to hang on to, but also the unconditional love of someone who has every opportunity to ask me to do what he says (and instead has promised to love me anyway and asks only that I be myself).
it means I don’t just bring to the table my reactions to what is in front of me (causing negative situations to double), but my actions and my inner strength that comes from knowing that I can do what I set my mind to, that I can always impress someone (even if it’s just myself), that I could take care of myself if I had to.
so right now, I’m just taking joy from the fact that I don’t. 🙂
Dead Presidents: Brújula
He was coarse and obnoxious. A big, overbearing, profane, restless, ambitious Texan who pushed and prodded and wheeled and dealed his way from poverty in the Texas Hill Country to the most powerful office in the world.
She was soft-spoken and eloquent. A gentle, quiet, polite, and comforting…
totally worth the read. sounds like a fascinating relationship…I should track down some books on it.
I know I’m a huge hypocrite, because I used to be the world’s biggest purveyor of passive-aggressiveness
but DAMN
are we five years old?
is this really the best way to get across your message that you disapprove of me, or what I do, or what I choose, or – seemingly most relevant – who I choose?
(this internet message has been brought to you by the August’s Mind Committee of Not Putting Things on the Web Where She Knows People Might See Them, aka Facebook)
Wednesday Wig-Outs
Sorry, I’m feeling a wee bit rantish today, so here goes my Wednesday Wig-Outs: Friends Don’t Let Other Friends Not Take Their Serious Relationships Seriously.
I’ve always been mystified by this seemingly general consensus that “omg if my friends get significant others they’re going to abandon me and it’s going to mean they’re horrible people.” I say “seemingly general” because almost every one of my friends, female in particular, has said that to me at some point – either about me or about someone else in their life. Maybe that’s just my little corner of Seattle; tell me if I’m wrong.
The reason I don’t get this is partially because I take relationships very seriously. I don’t like casual dating; I tried it a couple of times and it stank, sometimes quite literally, and I don’t see any reason for me to put effort into a dude* or give him shit (which is very much how I am in a relationship) if I don’t plan on him sticking around. That being said, I’ve been engaged once before, so it’s not like I’ve never made big relationship mistakes or misjudged a situation. But I really do take myself and my partner seriously.
So why wouldn’t I put all of my effort into building up a rapport and a foundation of inside jokes, laughter, shared struggles, and memories with someone I plan to spend my life with? Sure, that means sloughing away a lot of the time I previously spent with my other friends, but let’s be real: I spend a hell of a lot more time alone or at work than with friends, and even when I do/did spend time with them it was often gratuitous and involved a television screen. (Not to disparage that kind of hanging out by any means, but it’s not exactly the quality time that the above complainers were saying they missed.) I have to be more intentional now about who I spend my time with and what we do, and it’s actually benefited a lot of my relationships; for instance, my childhood friend Nicole and I have a standing date every other Wednesday to get dinner and chat. We’ve had some of the best conversations in almost 20 years of being friends in the past few months.
It’s also helped me weed out the friends who were only in my life because they wanted something. There’s a person (let’s call him Artie) who, as it turns out, was only emphasizing our friendship because he was secretly into me. Now there’s heaps of judgment and pretty much no other communication because Artie has made no effort to hang out with me besides when I bring up my boyfriend. That seems like a fluff friendship and an unnecessary stressor to me.
All of this to say: I never felt abandoned by friends who started spending all their time with their significant other. These are super formative years in the lives of people my age, and super formative months in any relationship that starts up. I see no reason why someone who has just found the love of their life oughtn’t be supported by their friends in their quest to get to know this person they may very well chain themselves to. The amount of intentional, meaningful time you would have spent with them anyway is likely not much less than what you now have to go out of your way to schedule. I’m not seeing the problem here.
I’m certainly not advocating that you stop seeing all your friends once a relationship comes along, nor am I saying you should be cruel to anyone who wants to spend time with you. Certainly not. I just think it’s petty for the friends to act like they’re being sleighted when really, it’s a golden opportunity to be intentional and real and get to the heart of things rather than living on the fluffy surface of easy, constant, comfortable friendships. Those are great, but they’re not everything.
And let’s be honest: at the end of the day, if you’re the kind of person who can commit and who has found someone equally dedicated to you, it’s not your platonic friends you’re gonna build a life with.
*I’ve never had a relationship with a girl, and though I consider myself bisexual, I don’t think I ever would. I don’t like ‘em enough in a relationship setting.
ugh the politics of romance
friend, three months ago: I’M TOTES NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. btw moving to your city for teh funz.
—
friend, now: omg ur gonna live with ur bf??? whaaat?? omg ur moving too fucking fast
between the lines: UGH I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU THIS WHOLE TIME
me: uhhh, in like three months minimum…also why do you care?
friend: “other considerations” aside, you’re going to end up very badly. I’m being blunt because there’s a slim chance it will make you think.
between the lines: Y U NOT LET ME HOLD UR HAND
me: uhhhhhh. brb gonna talk to people who actually know me.
Joel: you’re moving quickly-ish, but not recklessly, and quickly isn’t in and of itself a problem if you’re being careful and communicating. which I think you are.
me: **POINT** see, people who know me. ahem.
friend: I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO