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vaguely spoiled food and too much coffee before that and an asshole boss and waiting again to hear about a sort of decent job and no time to write a story I’m supposed to finish today and it’s raining in a hideous sort of way and
first world problems
but
I woke up next to my man this morning, so I’m okay.
if I can just get all sappyreflective for a moment here…
the most powerful thing about the past six months – love you, Jake, with everything, and thank you for six months! – is this overwhelming feeling of peace. I’ve had the butterflies before, I’ve had the “let’s do everything together every second” before, I’ve had the renewed confidence, even.
this, though, this sense of peace? of belonging, of welcome, of home and of contentment? this is new and it’s wonderful and I’m gonna hang on a little longer.
and by a little I pretty much mean forever.
I think a benchmark of growing up is being willing to put aside a book you don’t like because there are so many books in the world and you just don’t have the time or emotional fortitude to push through a text that doesn’t engage you.
ahhhhh, sweet relief
no more of those terrible, trying-too-hard geek girl pinup photoshoots on my dash
I am not exactly what one would call a sexual conservative but HOO BOY I’m so done glorifying that particular fairly non-existent stereotype
like
I haven’t written anything substantial in so long
the last thing I wrote (sorta; mostly I just put the finishing touches on it) was a horribly dirty Star Wars fanfic for the boyf
I want to open up a word document and go
but I’m having trouble because everything I write seems imperfect
gotta get on this
c’mon, kiddo
I’m not sure how obvious it is to those who have been following me since before this year – or even just since the beginning of 2011 – but I’ve changed. A lot. Real-life friends have tended to attribute it to to my poor boyfriend, but let’s not give him all the credit. (At least not for changing me. Let me make it clear: he provided me the first truly safe environment to be who I am, and I have taken that opportunity wholeheartedly.) It’s been a crazy year of discovery and learning and realizations, probably the most up-and-down and impactful of my entire life. Yup, that includes the “homeschooled awkward kid meets real life” of college.
The biggest things that have happened to me have been changes that I used to think – theoretically, of course – would turn me into a terrible person. The scourge of the Earth. A democrat. (No, just kidding; I was already pretty liberal before 2011.) But here are those biggest changes, and you can decide for yourself whether or not I’ve taken a step forward or backward.
Me, I rather like myself a lot now.
Those are the big ones, I guess, although there are a hell of a lot more. From my family’s perspective, I’ve turned into that heathen monster they’re embarrassed to be related to. But y’know, I’d actually be friends with myself now, and that’s a lot more than I can say for the August of yesteryear.
I’m going typ toe this up wtih no corrections
like i swaer to god I’m nto drunk or in any other way affected by substances
I’m just really shaky because thinga re pissing me off
things like people’s expecations and bliefs about jobs and people getting them (or not getting them() and no that’s not okay that you think my boyfriend is lazy just because the noly company taht ave him an interview in 18 months was Starbucks
I understand firsthand why that’s such a terrible job but dear lord why does everyone look down on it
fuck this social construct that says blue collar labor makes you dumb and undesrviong of anything good and benath people who earn their living with their typing fingers and not their caloused hands
I just
This is the quiet corner where she felt the shift.
A single post, peppered with scraps of old announcements. The concrete curve of a planter. A sandwich board announcing some snooty boutique.
Across the street, the gas station sank into the concrete, ponderously keeping its chin above the pavement line with a lopsided smile that was anything but welcoming. They walked in there, briefly, three points of life with murky but undeniable connections. Cigarettes and change. They walked out again.
Here on the sidewalk, grooves and scuffs where shoes have been. Her shoes fit here; his shoes fit there. Their feet were just so when she smelled the rain, the inescapable storm of emotion. The sky was cloudless.
Behind them were arranged the chairs and tables, weather-worn outdoor furniture. She had her hands in her back pockets, twirling slowly on the toe of one shoe, putting on the back burner the idea that his constant gaze on her was more than just him being a generally observant person.
Corporate coffee never seemed so appealing. The smell didn’t give her a headache all afternoon. She was too busy turning over in her mind the thrill of the warmth from where their legs touched under the table. Ambitions and scripts were secondary; the tingle on the back of her neck and the cautious warmth spreading under her eyes took control of her thoughts.
But it wasn’t until the quiet corner that she really felt the shift.
An excuse to move, to go off mostly alone, to see if the pressure in her chest was the oppressive coffee shop air or the power of his presence. She led them outside, aware of his friend but only as a distant positive force keeping him steady. She found herself believing she was canny enough to know what was going on in his eyes, behind the shades. It made her shiver and walk a little faster.
They did what they came to do, toured the block, paused for him at the bank. It was hard for her not to dance in place—the excitement became energy became excuses not to go back inside. Excuses to linger on that quiet corner.
She listened to the lilt of his voice and adored the particulars and peculiarities of how he crafted sentences. She traced his posture with her gaze, pretending to watch the sparse traffic behind him.
She realized she might just fall for him.
She realized she already was falling, and that the realization was itself a tug on the safety rope she’d prepared for herself in case her foolish heart tried another headfirst dive into romance.
She realized she didn’t want the rope.
So in her mind, she took the knot in her hands and lovingly untied it. Now was not the time for caution or emotional curfews; now was the time to jump and trust that something would catch her.
Or someone.
She looked up at him and smiled. It was at the perfect moment: a joke or a jab had been said, so it seemed she was just reentering the flow of conversation. But he was quick to smile back, and she knew she’d be found out soon enough, if he hadn’t already sensed her walls going down.
It was only a matter of time.