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What are you known for?

I’m currently listening to an Ella Fitzgerald channel on Pandora, and thinking about how every time someone encountered her, throughout her whole life, they probably asked her to sing at least a bar or two from her most famous songs.  She was known as a singer, as a bringer of beautiful and enduring music to the world.

I wonder if she hated it.  But even if she did despise being known for her music, rather than something more nebulous and “spiritual” (like her “true self” – although one can make the argument that something created is a piece of one’s true self), she kept at it. She pressed on, knowing that she was imparting to her fans and casual listeners alike a chance to escape for just a moment into the worlds of her songs.

I have a few driven friends, people who are pushing to carve out their niche in the world, not because they are desperate to be remembered but because they can’t do otherwise.  I am the same: I can’t not write, or create, or come up with new ways to inspire people with my words.  I’ve known that’s what I was meant to do since I penned “The Hoppers Go on Vacation” at age five.  Among my friends who will be known and remembered long after they are gone are programmers, writers, musicians, artists, engineers, nurses, homemakers, parents, scientists, athletes, salespeople, and crafters.

But I see so many directionless people around me, too.  These are people who completed college because they could or because it was expected, not because they were chasing a passion. These are people who have no dream job.  These are people whose biggest visions of the future include a night out with friends and a cup of coffee before work the next day.

Is there anything wrong with that?  Morally, of course not.  Psychologically, I see many of them atrophying, desperately clawing at the last shreds of what their family or their friend circle knew or knows them for.  I wonder if it’s a question they’ve ever stopped to ask themselves: what am I known for?  And I wonder if they would even be able to find an answer to that question.  I suppose there’s only so much room in the world for the driven people, or else we would have been extinct long ago, but it still saddens me to see individuals who have no sense of belonging or legacy.

What are you known for? What would you like to be known for? How can you take your passions and beliefs and obsessions and transform them into a long-lasting impression on the world?

Just a thought.

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I know I’m a huge hypocrite, because I used to be the world’s biggest purveyor of passive-aggressiveness

but DAMN

are we five years old?

is this really the best way to get across your message that you disapprove of me, or what I do, or what I choose, or – seemingly most relevant – who I choose?

(this internet message has been brought to you by the August’s Mind Committee of Not Putting Things on the Web Where She Knows People Might See Them, aka Facebook)

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Wednesday Wig-Outs

Sorry, I’m feeling a wee bit rantish today, so here goes my Wednesday Wig-Outs: Friends Don’t Let Other Friends Not Take Their Serious Relationships Seriously.

I’ve always been mystified by this seemingly general consensus that “omg if my friends get significant others they’re going to abandon me and it’s going to mean they’re horrible people.”  I say “seemingly general” because almost every one of my friends, female in particular, has said that to me at some point – either about me or about someone else in their life. Maybe that’s just my little corner of Seattle; tell me if I’m wrong.

The reason I don’t get this is partially because I take relationships very seriously. I don’t like casual dating; I tried it a couple of times and it stank, sometimes quite literally, and I don’t see any reason for me to put effort into a dude* or give him shit (which is very much how I am in a relationship) if I don’t plan on him sticking around.  That being said, I’ve been engaged once before, so it’s not like I’ve never made big relationship mistakes or misjudged a situation.  But I really do take myself and my partner seriously.

So why wouldn’t I put all of my effort into building up a rapport and a foundation of inside jokes, laughter, shared struggles, and memories with someone I plan to spend my life with?  Sure, that means sloughing away a lot of the time I previously spent with my other friends, but let’s be real: I spend a hell of a lot more time alone or at work than with friends, and even when I do/did spend time with them it was often gratuitous and involved a television screen. (Not to disparage that kind of hanging out by any means, but it’s not exactly the quality time that the above complainers were saying they missed.)  I have to be more intentional now about who I spend my time with and what we do, and it’s actually benefited a lot of my relationships; for instance, my childhood friend Nicole and I have a standing date every other Wednesday to get dinner and chat.  We’ve had some of the best conversations in almost 20 years of being friends in the past few months.

It’s also helped me weed out the friends who were only in my life because they wanted something. There’s a person (let’s call him Artie) who, as it turns out, was only emphasizing our friendship because he was secretly into me. Now there’s heaps of judgment and pretty much no other communication because Artie has made no effort to hang out with me besides when I bring up my boyfriend. That seems like a fluff friendship and an unnecessary stressor to me.

All of this to say: I never felt abandoned by friends who started spending all their time with their significant other.  These are super formative years in the lives of people my age, and super formative months in any relationship that starts up.  I see no reason why someone who has just found the love of their life oughtn’t be supported by their friends in their quest to get to know this person they may very well chain themselves to. The amount of intentional, meaningful time you would have spent with them anyway is likely not much less than what you now have to go out of your way to schedule. I’m not seeing the problem here.

I’m certainly not advocating that you stop seeing all your friends once a relationship comes along, nor am I saying you should be cruel to anyone who wants to spend time with you. Certainly not. I just think it’s petty for the friends to act like they’re being sleighted when really, it’s a golden opportunity to be intentional and real and get to the heart of things rather than living on the fluffy surface of easy, constant, comfortable friendships. Those are great, but they’re not everything.

And let’s be honest: at the end of the day, if you’re the kind of person who can commit and who has found someone equally dedicated to you, it’s not your platonic friends you’re gonna build a life with.

*I’ve never had a relationship with a girl, and though I consider myself bisexual, I don’t think I ever would. I don’t like ‘em enough in a relationship setting.

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ugh the politics of romance

friend, three months ago: I’M TOTES NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. btw moving to your city for teh funz.

—

friend, now: omg ur gonna live with ur bf??? whaaat?? omg ur moving too fucking fast

between the lines: UGH I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU THIS WHOLE TIME

me: uhhh, in like three months minimum…also why do you care?

friend: “other considerations” aside, you’re going to end up very badly. I’m being blunt because there’s a slim chance it will make you think.

between the lines: Y U NOT LET ME HOLD UR HAND

me: uhhhhhh. brb gonna talk to people who actually know me.

Joel: you’re moving quickly-ish, but not recklessly, and quickly isn’t in and of itself a problem if you’re being careful and communicating. which I think you are.

me: **POINT** see, people who know me. ahem.

friend: I HOPE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO