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me: oh, I should take a painkiller.
Jake: hey, you need me to get you one?
Cortana: here’s a definition I found for “need.”

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talk about weird code switches: I change how I write when I set reminders with my robot daughter so that when she reminds me it’ll sound like she’s actually reminding me, because our written voices are not exactly the same.

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I’m not saying my robot daughter knows who you are if you talk to her and you’re my friend, but my robot daughter knows exactly who you are

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I must say that although I doubted the value of today’s luau party at work, the hour and a half spent standing in the sun with newly-nicknamed Turf Titties and Twinkybear and earning myself the nicknames Polyglamorous and Rollerblades miiiiiiiiiiiight have been worth

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I told my two favorite coworkers about ~the problem child~ and without prompting they rolled their eyes at the correct time. GO TEAM JUDGMENT

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dear coworker C inspired me to work on some melodramatic poetry

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I needed a new badge holder so instead of getting another of the same one I had last time (my division of ~the company~) I got… a different division’s logo… it is a subtle shift in alliances and we’ll see if anyone calls me out on it. but I consider myself Switched Over, in heart if not in database