…when I was plotting some guerilla copyediting because of some badly-worded parking vans here in Portland? No? Well, quick recap: the parking enforcement vans (and little three-wheeled cars) around here have words across the back that say “MANY STOPS DO NOT FOLLOW” in blue lettering. Which is intended to mean “MANY STOPS [therefore] DO NOT FOLLOW”, but actually say just the opposite, implying that they aren’t expecting a lot of stops in their future.
So six months ago I saw this, and realized it could be remedied with a simple, well-placed semicolon, and then realized I had a pile of blue HRC stickers that could be sacrificed to create sticky semicolons. Ever since that day, I have had a sticky semicolon in my office, and one in my wallet. Waiting. And I have seen so many of those damn vehicles (mostly the three-wheeled jobs) around Portland, but I’ve been driving somewhere, or the enforcementperson has been in the car, or they’ve been moving.
UNTIL TODAY.
Because today I was biking to work in my bike lane on 19th, and just before I got to Irving, out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of my nemeses. And then a half second later, as I realized I had just passed an UNOCCUPIED, PARKED PARKING ENFORCEMENT VEHICLE, I reflexively veered off to the side, slammed on my breaks, and did a U-Turn up onto the sidewalk. Nerves on edge, I reached into my wallet to find that yes, both halves of my sticky semicolon were indeed intact and waiting. I pulled the pieces out out, still in slight disbelief at my fortune, and began taking the backing off of the comma. With nerves on high and furtive glances around me this proved to be not a simple task, but I managed to unstick the backing, casually approach the vehicle, and stick the comma in its place. I then quickly hopped back to the middle of the sidewalk to unstick the top of the semicolon, which again took far too long for someone who was expecting the enforcement agent to show up any minute now and trying to look as unsuspicious as possible. But the backing was off! And I was approaching the vehicle, sticking it in place, returning to my bike…and it was done!
I admired my handiwork. I looked around once more, and decided to chance taking photos to record my success. Reasoning to myself that it’s a weird car anyway, maybe I’m just a tourist that hadn’t seen a three-wheeler before, I furtively focused my phone on the back of that vehicle, took a couple photos, snapped one of the front, and then hopped back on my bike, resuming my ride as if nothing had happened, save the immense satisfaction in my chest of a job well done. My preparation and six months of waiting, watching, and disappointment have finally paid off.
City of Portland Parking Enforcement Vehicle 071901, you are now less grammatically lacking:
Mission accomplished. One down, who knows how many to go.
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