When he was five, I destroyed my neighbor’s belief in Santa Claus with a few well-timed points (“yeah, how do you think a fat man really fits down your skinny-ass chimney?”).

When we were in high school, I used my superior wit and collection of modern and politically correct sources to destroy his belief in Jesus as the “reason for the season.”

That’ll teach him to celebrate holidays.

I don’t celebrate holidays. I’m godless.