I don’t “believe” in evolution because it is not something that requires belief.  It is scientific fact.  And because I know this, I have sex with monkeys.  Premarital sex, mind you.  If I ever impregnate one, I’m going to make sure it gets an abortion.  I also plan to further devalue the American family by rallying to amend the constitution so that premarital monkey sex is constitutionally protected.

If only God were in my life, these chimpanzees’ orifices would not need to be so disgracefully invaded.