By Bill Dixon
As far as holidays are concerned, Easter is a fairly lackluster affair. Christmas has gifts, Thanksgiving has food, 4th of July has drunk sunburnt teenagers fist fighting in public parks.
Easter has rabbits and eggs. Bogus.
It doesn’t have to be this way. In terms of backstory, Easter has them all beat. There is nothing more impressive than rising from the dead…except maybe Cirque du Soleil. The problem rests in Easter’s advertising. Truth be told, the whole holiday feels borderline un-American.
Here are a few quick suggestions to make Easter a more appealing holiday:
Lose the Rabbit- Rabbits are passive and weak. You need a team mascot that’s a little more 21st century. I would suggest something like an Android phone who fights terrorism wielding a battle axe.
Lose the Eggs- Eggs might be the most benign food on the planet. Nobody in the history of the world has ever said, “Eggs are my favorite food.” Eggs are passive and neutral and only good when you add cool shit like cheese and hot sauce. What kind of lesson is that? “Be like the egg, children. You are a delicate and filled with goo. Travel lightly and don’t bother anyone and maybe you’ll live long enough to rot in your fragile shell.”
That’s not America.
I would suggest meatballs filled with cheese and maybe some cash. I know I would be excited to bite into a delicious cheesy meatball and find a greasy five dollar bill. Also, it makes hiding them around the house and backyard fun for the dog. Dogs deserve holidays too.
Lose the Pastels- Walking into a church on Easter morning feels like opening the shittiest crayon box of all time. When I think of people rising from the dead, I don’t think Periwinkle.
How about camouflage? It’s a neat pattern that is wildly underutilized. Might make it a little harder to find your kid at the park but they won’t get too far out of eyeshot with a belly full of cheesy meatballs and cold hard cash.
More Transformers– Self-explanatory.
