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one of my greatest weaknesses has always been my tendency to see everything in absolutes.

something is good or something is bad. something is 100% going to happen or 100% not going to happen. I either like and participate in something or I don’t, ever.

do you know what this is called? very, dangerously inaccurate.

it used to be so convenient. it made my life as a doormat far too easy. I would get a piece of information that caused me to reevaluate something in my life, and then with great determination and energy I would change course in a very absolute way. for instance, when I stopped adhering to Christianity, I did so often by completely discounting anything that I considered “Christian,” even if those were things that I could acknowledge were valid ways of living.

this has caused a number of destructive situations in my life, which I have brought almost fully upon myself and often spin up into with a weird sort of glee, because it’s helpful for abdicating responsibility.

thank fucking god I have someone stubborn and loving enough to remind me that the world isn’t black and white, that not everything (and few things at all, really) have a moral absolute, and that many things have no moral requirement at all. “just…enjoy what’s right in the moment,” Jake told me last night.

it took me a long time to fall asleep, because I kept thinking about how, try as I might, I can’t make moments happen, and I certainly can’t make them happen a specific way. I can influence how I approach a situation, yes, but ultimately I am responsible for my behavior and choices and don’t get to place the blame for any unhappiness I encounter on the “fact” that, well, I don’t participate in X because it’s wrong, or, well, I only said X because I thought it was right.

nope. nope nope nope. especially not when this behavior drags down the biggest-hearted, most supportive and loving man I’ve ever met.  I want to take moments as they come – scoop them up and roll around in them and revel in them with the solid warmth of my other half behind me.

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all morning Jake and I made sappy Mass Effect love comparisons to each other

“I love you more than Garrus loves calibrations”

“I love you more than the fans love Tali’s ass”

“I love you more than Liara loves Protheans ;D”

“I love you more than Grunt loves carnage :D”

“I love you more than Joker loves EDI”

it was wonderful and gross and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

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at some point this year my body decided it would be REALLY FUNNY to schedule my period on the worst possible weekends

such as three-day holiday weekends

and weekends I intend to do nothing but lounge around and get it on

C’MON BODY YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THIS

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Jake and I play this game called Curious Panda, which basically involves asking questions of various importance and answering them with full disclosure and honesty. we take turns asking and answering, and it’s kind of the best, because it keeps us in constant, interesting communication.

today I asked him what he thought our couple motto was. his answer was perfect.

“why the fuck not!”

if that doesn’t sum us up, I don’t know what does.

<3

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origin story

This is the quiet corner where she felt the shift.

A single post, peppered with scraps of old announcements.  The concrete curve of a planter.  A sandwich board announcing some snooty boutique.

Across the street, the gas station sank into the concrete, ponderously keeping its chin above the pavement line with a lopsided smile that was anything but welcoming.  They walked in there, briefly, three points of life with murky but undeniable connections.  Cigarettes and change.  They walked out again.

Here on the sidewalk, grooves and scuffs where shoes have been.  Her shoes fit here; his shoes fit there.  Their feet were just so when she smelled the rain, the inescapable storm of emotion.  The sky was cloudless.

Behind them were arranged the chairs and tables, weather-worn outdoor furniture.  She had her hands in her back pockets, twirling slowly on the toe of one shoe, putting on the back burner the idea that his constant gaze on her was more than just him being a generally observant person.

Corporate coffee never seemed so appealing.  The smell didn’t give her a headache all afternoon.  She was too busy turning over in her mind the thrill of the warmth from where their legs touched under the table.  Ambitions and scripts were secondary; the tingle on the back of her neck and the cautious warmth spreading under her eyes took control of her thoughts.

But it wasn’t until the quiet corner that she really felt the shift.

An excuse to move, to go off mostly alone, to see if the pressure in her chest was the oppressive coffee shop air or the power of his presence.  She led them outside, aware of his friend but only as a distant positive force keeping him steady.  She found herself believing she was canny enough to know what was going on in his eyes, behind the shades.  It made her shiver and walk a little faster.

They did what they came to do, toured the block, paused for him at the bank.  It was hard for her not to dance in place—the excitement became energy became excuses not to go back inside.  Excuses to linger on that quiet corner.

She listened to the lilt of his voice and adored the particulars and peculiarities of how he crafted sentences.  She traced his posture with her gaze, pretending to watch the sparse traffic behind him.

She realized she might just fall for him.

She realized she already was falling, and that the realization was itself a tug on the safety rope she’d prepared for herself in case her foolish heart tried another headfirst dive into romance.

She realized she didn’t want the rope.

So in her mind, she took the knot in her hands and lovingly untied it.  Now was not the time for caution or emotional curfews; now was the time to jump and trust that something would catch her.

Or someone.

She looked up at him and smiled.  It was at the perfect moment: a joke or a jab had been said, so it seemed she was just reentering the flow of conversation.  But he was quick to smile back, and she knew she’d be found out soon enough, if he hadn’t already sensed her walls going down.

It was only a matter of time.