there’s a quote by Andrew Solomon about the opposite of depression being vitality and so I looked it up (knowing the meaning of the word, but not the definition)
the dictionary said:
1: a : the peculiarity distinguishing the living from the nonliving; b : capacity to live and develop; also : physical or mental vigor especially when highly developed
2: a : power of enduring; b : lively and animated character
…all right.
1a is funny. it’s funny because it’s so precise, yet so vague; it tells nothing about the soul, or the state of the soul. doesn’t every living one of us have vitality, with that definition? we are all vital. say it. a lot. we are all vital. vital. you are vital.
(it’s started to be a funny word.)
1b: live, develop, grow, change, come into a sort of understanding. I feel this. I feel this like I felt the sharp, deep growing pangs I used to get in my legs. it hurt as I lay in bed, but I would imagine in the dark the tendons and muscles of my legs oozing and creeping and stretching. I fancied the idea of growing out of pain.
this is my every day. if I don’t hurt, or at least ache, I don’t grow. I seek that ache. I never drown in it.
2a: an artist’s dream. vitality. everlasting presence. someone remembering your point of view long after you have been rendered unable to tell it.
2b: lively? animated? a character. a shadowbeing, living in front of you, keeping the smile. keeping the mask still (sometimes). making it dance when it needs to.
vitality.
my brain’s personal alternative to depression.