Tag: growth

I’m not sure how obvious it is to those who have been following me since before this year – or even just since the beginning of 2011 – but I’ve changed. A lot. Real-life friends have tended to attribute it to to my poor boyfriend, but let’s not give him all the credit.  (At least not for changing me. Let me make it clear: he provided me the first truly safe environment to be who I am, and I have taken that opportunity wholeheartedly.)  It’s been a crazy year of discovery and learning and realizations, probably the most up-and-down and impactful of my entire life. Yup, that includes the “homeschooled awkward kid meets real life” of college.

The biggest things that have happened to me have been changes that I used to think – theoretically, of course – would turn me into a terrible person. The scourge of the Earth. A democrat. (No, just kidding; I was already pretty liberal before 2011.)  But here are those biggest changes, and you can decide for yourself whether or not I’ve taken a step forward or backward.

Me, I rather like myself a lot now.

• Insensitivity – this word already has a lot of connotations, doesn’t it? It sounds like I stopped being empathetic, have started ignoring the plights of my fellow human beings… But no.  Actually, I’m just able to laugh.  I just reblogged a quote today from Amanda Palmer that says, “When you cannot joke about the darkness of life, that’s when the darkness takes over.”  She’s right, you know.  I used to think that there were sacred topics, things that couldn’t be made light of, things too close to the heart to joke about.  Far from it.  As I’ve matured as a writer (and yeah, I think that’s happened a bit this year too), I’ve started to see the real task set before those of us who put words to page: a writer must be able to cut to the heart of an issue so that it may be studied, no matter what technique that takes.  In my case, comedy is the perfect gateway to talk to huge audiences about some of the most painful – but most common – experiences we all go through in some form or another.  "Community" (SHUT UP AUGUST, WE ALL KNOW YOU LOVE THAT DAMN SHOW) is a perfect example of this.  Every episode, I laugh my ass off.  And every episode, I at least tear up, if not cry outright.  The jokes, the jabs, they’re all meant to point us towards the heart of the show: loneliness, and how we fight that.  So yeah, I’ve become a little more insensitive.  I’ve stopped getting offended by jokes, especially when I understand the context to be anything but malicious.  Does that make me cruel or un-empathetic? I don’t think so.
• Selfishness – I seem to relearn this lesson every year, but I think it has finally sunk in.  This year, I started taking time for myself. I don’t hang out with people who pull me down, either from intentionally tearing me down or just because they have nothing good to offer.  I reschedule when I’m too tired.  I veg out a lot.  Sure, I have less time to mingle with friends from college – but I’m a happier person. And if this life is all about finding your personal balance, suffice to say mine doesn’t include downers. I like my own company, and I love Jake’s too, and if it needs to be just the two of us, then so be it.  (Don’t get me wrong – I love having friends, and will hang out with them when I can! But I’ve done a lot of paring down this year and it feels fantastic.)
• Science-Thumping – Once upon a time, I identified as Christian.  I won’t even go into all the things that Zeitgeist taught me this weekend, because as far as my interactions with others are concerned, it’s background noise more than anything.  Especially recently, though, I’ve been incredibly turned off by all the pathetic, hurtful, regressive behavior by people who identify as Christian. My mother, for example, made Jake feel worthless earlier this year by trying to use his lack of faith as a way to point out her issues with his working situation.  (The fuck?)  And I watch people like Joel have wonderful lives and wonderful friends and wonderful girlfriends…and still end up the black sheep of their families.  It’s painful.  So I’ve completely veered away from any and all religious labels. I don’t like what they represent. Now, SCIENCE. That is something I can get behind. I love seeing how the world functions, with and without humans, and I think it’s got a lot of answers that people will always ignore. Eh. I’ll thump my science until I’m blue in the face. (Just kidding. Thumpers annoy me. I’ll chill in my happy little corner of the world with my beliefs. Peeps can consult if they wanna. Haters gonna hate.)
• Ambition – I used to think I’d be okay for the rest of my life with like minimum wage. HA. Even though I still never want a fancy car or a home, there are things I want to do and experience that require, well, money. I’m not looking to be the richest motherfucker in the world, but I certainly want to apply my abilities and reap the rewards. Don’t worry, I’ll not be a nasty douchebag rich person, if I make it.
• Dog Person – lots of subtext here, but basically: I used to think cats were the answer, but now I have an appreciation for my inherent loyalty, and that mirrors dogs’ behavior, in general. I’m a fan.

Those are the big ones, I guess, although there are a hell of a lot more. From my family’s perspective, I’ve turned into that heathen monster they’re embarrassed to be related to.  But y’know, I’d actually be friends with myself now, and that’s a lot more than I can say for the August of yesteryear.