ANON, you\u2019re breakin\u2019 my heart <3<\/p>\n
shamed and attacked are really strong words to me, because when I hear them, I think of my fellow LGBTQ folk who are driven from their homes in shame and physically assaulted by people who are supposed to love them. no – I\u2019ve never experienced either of these things for being poly. I\u2019m lucky to live in a generally progressive area of the country – well, really, of my state – and my community is mostly accepting of anything outside the norm.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve taken some \u201cShit Lite\u201d (i.e. nothing more harmful than confusion and slight distress due to a lack of understanding) from a couple of my friends who I\u2019ve confided in, I think in large part because of ignorance and the whole \u201cmy comfort zone should be your comfort zone\u201d knee-jerk reaction that a lot of people have. but those are the same people who had issues with my bisexuality because \u201cit undermines your marriage.\u201d (excuuuuuuse you.) or with my husband\u2019s considerable number of partners before me. (thanks, but I appreciate that he got in the practice on someone other than me?!) so I don\u2019t really see them as people whose acceptance I need. I have the good fortune not to need those components of my support system.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not exactly *out*, either, though. most of my good friends know, online and IRL, and I\u2019m pretty shameless about it here because this is a blog I don\u2019t advertise to people I don\u2019t completely trust (of course, it\u2019s on the internet, so there\u2019s a risk it\u2019ll be found by someone I don\u2019t want to find it, but I\u2019m not afraid of who I am so that\u2019s a risk I\u2019m willing to take). I wouldn\u2019t tell my parents – my mother in particular would see it as a failing of her parenting – but I\u2019ve told my siblings, and my brother recently let me know that he has several poly people in his friend group and feels like he understands what they\u2019re about. I wouldn\u2019t make a point of telling my (rather massive) employer, but let me tell you, I work at one of the most accepting major companies in the world, and most of them wouldn\u2019t give a damn if they found out. I\u2019ve even been able to tell many of my friends at work, who are in turn delighted, jealous, intrigued, and congratulatory.<\/p>\n
so anon, I\u2019m afraid I don\u2019t have any advice for you about being shamed or attacked by others for being poly. I do, though, have three thoughts about being poly from someone who\u2019s had to fend off some inner attacks and who\u2019s done a lot of hard thinking about the implications of being poly to her own life, sanity, and conscience.<\/p>\n
– You\u2019re not being selfish or greedy just because you love more than one person.<\/b> Love is a renewable resource, and giving it to one person takes none of it away from another. (Time, yes, but that\u2019s a balance each individual has to find, no matter who they love.) You can be selfish and greedy and want to be with others just for the attention, affirmation, and sex, but simply loving more than one other doesn\u2019t make you those things.<\/p>\n
– Until a majority of society changes its views, it\u2019s tough to be poly.<\/b> I don\u2019t just mean the legality of long-term partnering with multiple people. The hardest part for me about being poly is not being able to claim or be claimed by my secondary partners. It\u2019s a known deal that I\u2019m married, so if I\u2019m with someone else, that makes me the cheater. The slut. And that makes my partner the fool, the \u201cother guy\u201d (or girl). And I don\u2019t like throwing around words like boyfriend or girlfriend unless I get to live up to the expectations that kind of title brings – like going out in public as a pair\/trio\/quad, committing to spending time with each other, sharing resources, and being a part of their friend circles and families. So, that means that people I get to be with thanks to my open relationship and lifestyle don\u2019t really get to be with me the same way I\u2019m with my husband and he\u2019s with me. And that\u2019s tough. Tough on me, tough on them. Doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s not worth it.<\/p>\n
– Being poly can feel like you\u2019re simultaneously exactly where you should be and completely lost, in the same breath.<\/b> Literature, poetry, and film have given us a lot of stories about one person loving one other person, and how we\u2019re supposed to behave in that kind of relationship. Poly people, I think, know early on that their hearts aren\u2019t easily sated by loving a single soul, and so when they come to the lifestyle in some formal way, it feels like home. And yet, with so few role models in popular culture for healthy poly relationships, it\u2019s easy to feel lost at sea. But loving someone comes pretty instinctually. Focus on gentle communication and kindness, and you\u2019ll be okay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
ANON, you\u2019re breakin\u2019 my heart <3 shamed and attacked are really strong words to me, because when I hear them, I think of my fellow LGBTQ folk who are driven from their homes in shame and physically assaulted by people who are supposed to love them. no – I\u2019ve never experienced either of these things … <\/p>\n